Earlier today I was feeling discouraged. I was thinking about my sister. But then the Lord led me to this verse.
"Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!"~Psalm 42:5
He is reminding me of what He has been telling me to do all along. So I praise God for all that He is doing in my sister's life. She is precious in His sight. I know He will save her and bring her back to the place she belongs.
A few verses down says "Through each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life."~Psalm 42:8
What a beautiful verse this is! I pray it upon my sister's life.
Mar 31, 2007
A Poem
Looking back on a younger man long ago and far away. Living in an age of inocence in the shadows of a brighter day. Time stood still and it never seemed that our world could grow apart. It was all for one and one for all, straight from the heart. When summer rains that we'd hoped would never end, wash away troubles and sorrow. And stormy nights when each wish came true, can't you send all those yesterdays to tomorrow. Won't you please tell me where to find him, and that life with the storybook. Can't you please tell me where to find him, maybe he's found in a fairytale with those dreams of a better day.
Life in the streets has taught me to see the world in different eyes. What was love your neighbor as yourself now hides behind the lies. You start thinking you can have it all. The world is your's to take. So fill your cup with emptiness and promises you make.
Bring back the rain's and wash your cares away, then dry my eyes with the sunlight. And on that star only one small wish I make.
Bring him home again.
Author Unknown
Life in the streets has taught me to see the world in different eyes. What was love your neighbor as yourself now hides behind the lies. You start thinking you can have it all. The world is your's to take. So fill your cup with emptiness and promises you make.
Bring back the rain's and wash your cares away, then dry my eyes with the sunlight. And on that star only one small wish I make.
Bring him home again.
Author Unknown
Mar 30, 2007
My Sister
"No man is really any good until he knows how bad he is; till he's realized exactly how much right he has to all this snobbery, and sneering, and talking about "criminals" as if they were apes in a forest ten thousand miles away; till he's got rid of all the dirty self-deception of talking about low types and deficient skulls; till he's squeezed out of his soul the last drop of the oil of the pharisees; till his only hope is somehow or other to have captured one criminal, and kept him safe and sane under his own hat."~G.K. Chesterson's detective, Father Brown
My sister Nicole has been on the streets now for awhile. It happend that a few months ago the house she was staying at was raided thus giving her her first offense for possesion of drugs and weapons. Her real crime? Being at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Yesterday was one of her many court dates that are supposed to be coming to an end. While there, they arrested her for a warrent she had out for check forgery. Thus giving her her second offense. Her real crime? Drug addict. And underneath that is alot of pain.
I have alot of mixed feelings with this. Feelings that I did not know were there. I am very sad for my sister. I also think of other's like her. The facility she is in is full of gang members and I think back of how it used to be but that's another story.
My sister Nicole has been on the streets now for awhile. It happend that a few months ago the house she was staying at was raided thus giving her her first offense for possesion of drugs and weapons. Her real crime? Being at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Yesterday was one of her many court dates that are supposed to be coming to an end. While there, they arrested her for a warrent she had out for check forgery. Thus giving her her second offense. Her real crime? Drug addict. And underneath that is alot of pain.
I have alot of mixed feelings with this. Feelings that I did not know were there. I am very sad for my sister. I also think of other's like her. The facility she is in is full of gang members and I think back of how it used to be but that's another story.
Mar 17, 2007
Mar 16, 2007
A Wedding Story (or Not)
Last night I shared with my husband the fake pearl thing. I gave him a piece of my heart and told him that I want to be married to him for real now and I want our relationship to be real. This was hard for me to do. To come out from behind the mask, to push thru the pain and ask him to come with me.
I met my husband at the age of 19. It was the summer of 1994. We had just moved to San Antonio from California. I might have changed playgrounds but old habits die hard and once again I found myself playing the game of survival. I cared for nothing or no one. I had only one thing on my mind and that was me. But then Joe came into my life and everything changed. That's when I started playing the game of hide n seek. Where I hid all the bad I was doing but he would find me sitting all pretty waiting for him.
Well, Joe eventually went back to Austin and we moved back home to Cali. We lived in Texas for a total of 6 months.
Back home things were getting worse. I was becoming a tweaker and I was going down fast. But I watched my best friend go down faster. Between her, hanging out at a satanic like drug house and my mom screaming and crying over me, this guy Joe was my way out. Alas, my prince charming come to save me from all the pain and shame in my life. I hopped on the plane to go to Austin, Texas where he was waiting for me. Looking out the window I watched San Jose get smaller and smaller as the tears ran down my face. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. It was one of the worst days of my life.
Things were not much better with my prince. For he wasn't a prince at all but just like "all the rest" in disguise. I found myself alone, afraid and pregnant. I stayed with my so called prince for a total of 10 months. Long enough to have the baby and go my merry little way.
I went back home to my mom's in California only for Joe to follow and beg for me to come back with him. This was it. I was faced with a life or death decision where I knew what ever I choose would either bring blessing or curse. But it was no longer only me for I had a little boy I needed to think of too. Confusion set in. I wanted so badly to stay at home with my sister but things were not going so good and "home" was no place to raise a child either.
A few days later we got married at the local court. Joe flew back to Texas and I was to follow 2 weeks later. Flooded with feelings of shame, fear, and regret I decided to undo the marriage. Together my sister and I told my mom and her words were ones I will never forget. She said "No, you can't stay here, you married him and now you have to live with it, you have to go you can't stay here anymore" Once again I got on the plane this time with my 8 month old baby boy. I left my family, my friends and myself behind and faced an unknown future. Alone, afraid, desparate and determined I began to call on Jesus.
It's been 10 years since we married. I am just now finding myself again but this time in Christ. I have no regrets. The Lord has brought me this far and I know that He will continue to take me farther but this time I am not alone and I am not afraid(Well, okay maybe a little). The fake pearls between my husband and I are falling off making room for the Real Pearl to shine thru. My prince has come and together we will serve the King. He just doesn't know it yet!!
I met my husband at the age of 19. It was the summer of 1994. We had just moved to San Antonio from California. I might have changed playgrounds but old habits die hard and once again I found myself playing the game of survival. I cared for nothing or no one. I had only one thing on my mind and that was me. But then Joe came into my life and everything changed. That's when I started playing the game of hide n seek. Where I hid all the bad I was doing but he would find me sitting all pretty waiting for him.
Well, Joe eventually went back to Austin and we moved back home to Cali. We lived in Texas for a total of 6 months.
Back home things were getting worse. I was becoming a tweaker and I was going down fast. But I watched my best friend go down faster. Between her, hanging out at a satanic like drug house and my mom screaming and crying over me, this guy Joe was my way out. Alas, my prince charming come to save me from all the pain and shame in my life. I hopped on the plane to go to Austin, Texas where he was waiting for me. Looking out the window I watched San Jose get smaller and smaller as the tears ran down my face. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. It was one of the worst days of my life.
Things were not much better with my prince. For he wasn't a prince at all but just like "all the rest" in disguise. I found myself alone, afraid and pregnant. I stayed with my so called prince for a total of 10 months. Long enough to have the baby and go my merry little way.
I went back home to my mom's in California only for Joe to follow and beg for me to come back with him. This was it. I was faced with a life or death decision where I knew what ever I choose would either bring blessing or curse. But it was no longer only me for I had a little boy I needed to think of too. Confusion set in. I wanted so badly to stay at home with my sister but things were not going so good and "home" was no place to raise a child either.
A few days later we got married at the local court. Joe flew back to Texas and I was to follow 2 weeks later. Flooded with feelings of shame, fear, and regret I decided to undo the marriage. Together my sister and I told my mom and her words were ones I will never forget. She said "No, you can't stay here, you married him and now you have to live with it, you have to go you can't stay here anymore" Once again I got on the plane this time with my 8 month old baby boy. I left my family, my friends and myself behind and faced an unknown future. Alone, afraid, desparate and determined I began to call on Jesus.
It's been 10 years since we married. I am just now finding myself again but this time in Christ. I have no regrets. The Lord has brought me this far and I know that He will continue to take me farther but this time I am not alone and I am not afraid(Well, okay maybe a little). The fake pearls between my husband and I are falling off making room for the Real Pearl to shine thru. My prince has come and together we will serve the King. He just doesn't know it yet!!
Mar 15, 2007
Fake Pearls
Today is kinda a sad day as God takes me past this pain that I carry. I read a verse in one of the books I am currently reading. Matthew 13:45-46~The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. The author goes on to talk about fake pearls. She says, "I must come to the point where I stop the payments on the fake pearls in my life and start making the payment on the real pearl".
This got me thinking. Wut are some fake pearls in my life? And the one that is strongest on my heart is my marriage.
My relationship with my husband is so fake. Nothing about it is real. I do see God moving in and beginning to break down those barriers between us though. I just never saw it like this before. My husband is of great worth. Our marriage relationship is of great worth because this is something Christ values. Up till now my focus has been to stay married but now I see that God is really wanting to make it into a love relationship. A real pearl...
This got me thinking. Wut are some fake pearls in my life? And the one that is strongest on my heart is my marriage.
My relationship with my husband is so fake. Nothing about it is real. I do see God moving in and beginning to break down those barriers between us though. I just never saw it like this before. My husband is of great worth. Our marriage relationship is of great worth because this is something Christ values. Up till now my focus has been to stay married but now I see that God is really wanting to make it into a love relationship. A real pearl...
Hiding
Well, it's official. I am currently in hiding. Hiding from wut? The things that are hidden in my heart. Things that the Lord wants to bring out of the darkness and into the light. Things that He wants to speak truth over. It's amazing how much baggage one comes to carry over the years. Coming out of denial is a long process for me. How I wish this season would end and yet old seeds must die off for the "new" to come in and lead me to my ultimate destiny in Him.
The other day as I was soaking in the Lord I got a picture of me sitting in church. I was about 14, 15 maybe. And I just wanted someone to love me. But there all doing there own thing. No one cared how I was feeling just that I was following there rules and if it looked good. These were the rules : Go to church everytime church was going on, Read my bible, no sex before marriage, no T.V, no non-christian friends, blah, blah, blah...hmmm I see that I was that girl from that Casting Crowns song. All that judgment, all that shame and blame is wut the Lord wants to loose from me.
Anyways, after I got that picture,the Lord said to me"I see you. I see you hiding. Come to me and let go. I want you to come out of hiding. I see your beauty within and I want to bring it out. I want you to walk in My grace and favor"
Okay I think I get it now. As I write I see that I was always hiding. I still do. I hide from God, my husband and even my children. That's why the Lord said He see's me hiding. Wow! Theres just so much going thru my mind right now.
The other day as I was soaking in the Lord I got a picture of me sitting in church. I was about 14, 15 maybe. And I just wanted someone to love me. But there all doing there own thing. No one cared how I was feeling just that I was following there rules and if it looked good. These were the rules : Go to church everytime church was going on, Read my bible, no sex before marriage, no T.V, no non-christian friends, blah, blah, blah...hmmm I see that I was that girl from that Casting Crowns song. All that judgment, all that shame and blame is wut the Lord wants to loose from me.
Anyways, after I got that picture,the Lord said to me"I see you. I see you hiding. Come to me and let go. I want you to come out of hiding. I see your beauty within and I want to bring it out. I want you to walk in My grace and favor"
Okay I think I get it now. As I write I see that I was always hiding. I still do. I hide from God, my husband and even my children. That's why the Lord said He see's me hiding. Wow! Theres just so much going thru my mind right now.
Mar 5, 2007
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