War

Theirs this thing in me
That I just cant see
yet it feels so real
Cuz well its reality

And after all these years
I finally come to see
the truth that's always been
the truth that's from heaven

Darn it! If only my words can tell
the way that I'm feeling
oh how You know me so well

Just when I think I'm having fun
You stop me in the middle of my life
to say "your done"

If only it was as easy as pie
I'd smoke another joint and get so high
And don't forget bout the coke and the crank
but to live in that mental addictive state
would only feed on my self hate

But wait
Is it so wrong
to wanna have a lil fun
At least it would take away the pain that Im feeling
the one that tells me Im hurting

I'm tired of all the mental confusion
the restless nights
and all this delusion
that keeps from knowing the truth

Truth - the only one that soothes the pain
Truth - the only one that keeps me sain
Truth - the reason why I fight
Truth - the thing that gives me insight
Truth - the reason why I've come so far
Truth - the reason I'm at WAR!

What's Pride Got To Do With It?

I think it was last Friday when God started working on this thing in me called pride. I had a revelation or something of how easily the spirit is grieved by my words. It saddened me that I would sadden Him like that. I'm just so thankful that He revealed this to me and that I can repent and receive forgiveness for my sins.
Since then He has revealed another area of my life that I have been prideful in as well. I am asking Him to humble me and continue to take out the pride that lurks deep within. I got a book on humility that's called umm, Humility, the forgotten virtue. My plan is to not just read thru it this time but to approach it more like a study and take that time to meditate on His Words of this sin called pride.

So I just thought of something. I think my blog could totally be renamed from Love~N~Beauty to What's Pride Got To Do With It?

Now I Stand

This is the song. I really had to take a step back and ask Him what are you telling me? And He said, Remember and stand in who you are in Me as you go thru this time of inner healing.


I have lived in the dust at His feet
Always thinking of the pain that caused His Heart
Many mocked as the perfume so sweet
Poured from my broken alabaster jar
You could hear the laughter of the enemy as he stole my dignity
But a greater voice said lift your head
As His hand reached out to me

Now I stand in the fullness of His grace
And He washes over me with the blood that sets me free
Now I stand as a priest and as a king
He has clothed me with His robe
Its the righteousness of God
I know who I am so I stand

I was clothed in a garment of shame
And the chains of my sin had left me bound
To weak to run I fell calling His name
A broken alabaster jar was all He found
But you could hear the army of the angels sing
When He restored my dignity
He dressed me as His spotless bride
It was a holy victory

Now I stand in the fullness of His grace
And He washes over me with the blood that sets me free
Now I stand as a priest and as a king
He has clothed me with His robe
Its the rightousness of God
I know who I am so I stand

Circle of Shame

In this vision I again saw myself with chains wrapped around my wrists and hands. I was dirty and wearing some white clothing that was all raggedy. I was standing in the middle of a circle and all around me was every guy in my life that ever did me wrong or I had sexual relations with. They were all laughing at me. Full of shame I fell to the ground in agony. Standing in front of me was Jesus. He reached out His hand, I took it and followed Him out of the circle.

The story that came to mind was when the pharisees took the adulterous woman to Jesus to be condemned. I sensed that this vision and the other one(heavens court) went together but wasn't certain. Until....He gave me a song.

Heavens Court

Back in August 07 I had a vision. I believe it goes along with the most recent one I had. I blogged it but never posted it cuz I didn't want anyone who may be reading this to think I was freaky. Especially ppl from my church. I am so glad I saved it in my posts cuz I didn't remember certain parts of it. This is why it's more important for me now to write things down. Anywayz, here it is....

Heavens Court
I saw myself in a court room. My hands and feet were in chains and I was standing before the Judge in tears. He said, "I have sustained you". "There is no accuser of the brethren"(Rev.12:10)
I saw the chains fall off and I knew He had freed me of all accusations. There was no juror. No documentation of everything I had done. Angels filled the seats. And when my chains fell off the angels stood and worshiped the Lord. I worshiped the Lord. And the whole room was filled with the glory of the Lord.

Free

In continuing my post from yesterday...

The next day I realized why my feelings of the past were becoming so overwhelming.
It was(and still is) the inner working of the H.S. on my heart. I knew my time had come to be set free from this particular area of my life. It's a process but one I choose to embrace for I know it is part of my destiny in Him. He gave me a song that day. It's called free by Ginny Owens.

Turnin' molehills into mountains,
Makin' big deals out of small ones,
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens,
This is how it's been.
Fear of coming out of my shell,
Too many things I can't do too well,
afraid I'll try real hard, and I'll fail--
This is how it's been.
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door,
And You shouted joyfully,
"You're not a slave anymore!"

Chorus:
"You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love,
'Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free
I have set you free!

My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity and changed the course of history,
Because You loved me so.
And my heart cannot understand
Why You'd accept me as I am,
But You say You've always had a plan,
And that's all I need to know.
So when I am consumed by what the world will say,
it's Then You're singing to me, as You remove my chains-


Free from worry, free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile

Seeking Peace, Wholeness & Freedom

Wow, I have had one incredibale week with One incredible God! There's just been so much going on with me spiritually that I am overwhelmed, in a good way though. It all started last Wednesday...

Stuff from my past was really bothering me. I just couldn't seem to shake it. It was like it was haunting me.

*sidenote* Some like to say that it's the enemy, he's the one that brings up your past not Jesus, rebuke it and cast those thoughts aside, you are free in Christ a new creation. While I do believe this there was just one problem. I ALREADY KNOW THIS!*end sidenote*

So I started questioning, what's wrong with me? Why is this bothering me so much? Is this gonna follow me for the rest of my life? It can't be possible, can it? If everyone teaches that you can have wholeness and it's what The Big Book says then my only question is how? How can I be free of this?

That night at H.L.G. when it was my turn to answer the question posed I confessed my fear of going closer to God and of the H.S and what others will think. They encouraged me to go for it. I also told a good friend of mine the feelings I had been having.
Speaking of...Joe just called and said he's on his way. That means I get to go tonight. I will be taking 2 of my kids plus a couple extra. I'm really excited about that. I think the home, church family, worship enviroment will be good for them to see.

Peace Out ~

Journaling

Well, it's been awhile. I miss blogging cuz it's the easiest way for me to keep journaling. I just haven't had time and I have trouble getting my thoughts together.
But I was looking thru my royal identity binder a couple days ago and I realized how much it means when you write things down. I want to record all that the Lord is doing in my life for myself just as much as for my kids. So I am gonna try and keep up.