Friendship Study

I am doing a friendship study with a few women. We are studying this book. It's an area in my life that I have chosen not to think about. It has been hard for me this past week to go there. I have not written into the group and talked about my thoughts yet cuz I really don't know how to put them into words and how much to even say. So I figured I would blog about it and see what comes out.

They Drew A Circle and Left Me Out:
I keep asking God to show me how it was. Was I ever left out. I don't remember being left out but I am sure I was sometimes, aren't we all? I don't think it ever really bothered me though. In elementary school I always had my sister and cousin to play with if no one else wanted to. I made friends pretty easily so I always had them. But here's where it gets tricky. When clicks started forming in 6th grade, I never really belonged to a particular group. I was friends with the good girls and also friends with the popular one's. This was also a small Christian school so we all knew of each other.

Sororities:
I never went to collage, so never joined a sorority. The closest thing I can relate to it though would be gangs. No, I never joined a gang. But I hung out with the homies from ages 15-20. To be honest I was there sidekick. Us girls gave ourselves away like candy. Some more then others. I happened to be in the more category. This is how I became popular. Everyone knew me but for the wrong reasons.

So this is what God is showing me. The question has always been why? Why would I give myself away to so many. It has been said because I didn't have a dad and I wanted male attention. Maybe I was sexually abused when I was little.
It never mattered to me that I didn't belong in school cuz the thing that I wanted to belong to was a dad and mom. The thing that hurt me all through childhood and beyond was not having parents that noticed me and never being accepted in church. I have carried this not belonging feeling with me to adulthood. Just recently the Lord has begun to reveal this to me and heal me from this not belonging anywhere I go thinking and is replacing it with me belonging to Him. Since doing this study I see that the gangs gave me a sense of belonging and with the sex and popularity I became noticed.
What's sad is that this is the mentality some people approach church with. I hear it thru the 'high school' comments they make and the cliques that can form.
Until we come to the full understanding of Who we really belong to then we will continue searching for it through other means all the while never being fully satisfied.
Recently I found myself trying to figure out what group I belong to in my church when it comes to the Holy Spirit. The Lord quickly checked me on that one. He said, it does not matter, don't belong to either. You belong to me. Follow me.
He is the way, the truth and the life and that's all that matters.